“Welcome To Washed Heaven” A Short Story by @TrizzTaylor
It’s around 3 PM on a Friday afternoon and your phone has been blowing up all day at work from the group texts that your homies are sending you that include plea deals of the century to hit the city later that night.
An all inclusive plan has been laid out for you: Transportation to the spot, courtesy of Tre, the friend who never gets tired of going to the same club every weekend using the same pick up lines and ending his night the same way, on xvideos at three in the morning. Complimentary bottle service thanks to Kyle, the friend who will buy the ugliest jawn at the bar a drink just to have a reason to enjoy another rum and Coke, while contemplating whether or not she’s worth the risk of getting clowned the next day.
Now before the night is over, who could forget that late night let out at the diner down the street where you go to become Steph Curry reincarnated and shoot your shot for the next two hours until you either connect from deep and have a prospect to take home or get rejected quicker than Sallie Mae calls. That’s where Big Reg comes into play, his uncle owns the place so the feast is free.
Now there is one key component that has been left out thus far: you’re married. And not only married, but you’re married with a newborn and a toddler on your hands. You’re the guy who runs to Acme immediately after work to grab the 2 for $5 Breyer’s special to indulge in while watching chick flicks later that night with your wife.
You’re only 25 but you no longer carry the swagger of the ladies man that you once were, you’re now in the mind frame of the 45 year old dad that binge watches Law & Order. Your friends Tre, Kyle, and Reg, they’ve only had a combined amount of two girlfriends in the time span of the whole ten years you’ve known them. You were just like them until life hit you fast, you met this dime named Erica a few years back in that same club that Tre loves and took her home later that night from the same diner that most have just barely hit the front rim trying to let them pick up lines fly.
Fast forward four years later, you’re taking trips to Forever 21 to help your wife pick out a new summer wardrobe. You are behind the pearly golden gates of what is known as “Washed Heaven”. This is the place where all men in happy relationships get comfortable and strapped in for the long haul. The place where you are overwhelming accepted when you want to lay around on the couch all day and like Buzzfeed posts on Facebook for “How To Cook This” or even better, scroll down your Twitter feed to “Keep Up With The Kardashians”.
For the casual single man, this is a forbidden place that is never to be discussed. Once your application is accepted by the “Washed Gods”, typically after a few years in your relationship, there is no turning back. As for your homies, they realize their friend has been pulled in to the point of no return but like any loyal friend, they’ll never give up on you. But as the day dwindles down, the texts come slower and slower until it’s obvious that the conclusion remains the same: another day, another denial.
As your friends continue to find themselves roaming Single Street, don’t be discouraged. Continue to enjoy the fruits of your labor as you sit back in cruise control and ride off into the beautiful sunset with everything you could ever ask for. Because believe me, you’ll always find problems when you’re bored and dried out but you’ll never complain about being happy and washed.
